


Make You Mine

by timetosin



Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, F/M, One Sided Love, both parties have moved on from their past relations to the camp, canon reliant but past camp, eventual gwenvid confirmed, gwencentric in most cases, gwenvid focused and no campers really, heavy depictions of self loathing, medication taken for depression, oc which is to be married to one half of the ship, slowburn, some more adult themes implied but no explicit stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-01-15 22:01:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12329733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetosin/pseuds/timetosin
Summary: Gwen and David have not spoken for two years after leaving their jobs at Camp Campbell. There were many things left unsaid and Gwen refuses to return to the way they once were. David has moved on and is engaged about to be married to his new found partner, Amber. He has invited Gwen to be the maid of honor for his wedding, she cannot find it within herself to say no. Angst as well as super long chapters-Gwencentric-slowburn gwenvid."I’m so happy for you, David. She must be the one.”And with that Gwen stepped two feet back away from him, out of their little eternity and back into reality."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been published on tumblr for a long time so if you would like updates on this fic and to send me asks or talk to me feel free to find all content related to this story under makeuminegwenvid on tumblr and my tumblr is: rickandmortyfuckedupmylife  
> I'm looking forward to hearing from some new AO3 readers!

A stiffening numbness surged through her blood stream as her fingertips enclosed around the tips of the parchment. She had not heard from her ex coworker in a few months, keeping only in touch through a distant series of likes. Eventually she had to come to the understanding whatever was between them was inevitably doomed but she didn’t think today would be the day.

Her dirty nail scratched the golden embroidery around the card’s edge.

_“You’re formally invited to the holy matrimony of David and Amber”_

The need to empty her stomach tickled in the back of her throat and Gwen swallowed back bile. In a futile attempt to remain sane she continued reading finding David’s chicken scratch hand writing directed at her underneath the initial invitation.

“Gwen, I know we haven’t been able to talk much lately! I miss you dearly, and I just wanted to personally invite you to my wedding. Sorry to spring this on you so last minute, I am sure you’re busy with grad school, I just wanted to ask you to be the maid of honor for the ceremony. No matter what you have been one of my closet friends for a very long time and Amber is extremely happy to have you joining us. Give me a call if you accept and I will give you details.

_Campe Diem_

_David.”_

She was more than aware that she should decline. Gracefully back out of his life as she had done a year ago but the dark screwed up part of her heart that pumped out selfish greed roared to life. Setting the card on the table, Gwen sat on her counter and sighed. He didn’t belong to her, and he never would. David deserved someone who was happy and didn’t take a pill every morning to keep themselves from jumping off a cliff. Someone who baked pies on Sunday and took care of their skin and could hold a conversation without constantly worrying about how they were being perceived.

Yet the lust to drain the happiness from him to feel whole again burned her every nerve.

To see him smile and feel less empty and watch how his innocent eyes soaked in every piece of her like she was important. Ultimately though she would have destroyed him, if she had stayed he would have fallen apart. It was a sacrifice she made so why couldn’t he let her suffer in peace.

There was a reason she stopped answering his calls, stopped reading his messages, pretended they had never interacted in real life. Of course it had hurt him, it had hurt her. There was no other way.

Her eyes glanced back on the gold leafed parchment a moment longer, she stared until her eyes focused and unfocused again.

_Gwen. One of my closet friends._

His voice reverberated in her skull, the happy honey drawl and scolding undertone. David sounded like authority, but not punish based authority more rewarding. Someone who could lead you into battle safely and give his life for yours.

Her fingers were moving without thought of repercussion as she typed out a message to David. The bubble that was his profile picture blurred in her vision but she typed perfectly fine. Something in between pounding anxiety and humane calm settled in her stomach as she pressed send.

It was the warm pleasurable sting that flooded her body as she had just been shot in the gut and kissed back to health.

“Hey.”

His reply was instantaneous.

* * *

 

Gwen had multiple opportunities to do the right thing, to turn around and leave his life forever. She could have stopped herself from writing her vacation days in, paused as she was packing her clothes, turned on her heel at the airport doors. Yet here she was.

Allowing her luggage to disappear into the unknown and shuffling across too small aisles to plop down in an economy seat.

She was returning to the wooded reality of yesterday, ears plugged with headphones and spine aching. David had helped her book the ticket, talked to her silent end of the phone like nothing had changed. Promised he-no-they were going to pick her up from the airport.

It was early, too early to be flying away from home to only watch a ceremony she would leave with a bitter taste in her mouth. Maybe she would find some average man there at the ceremony, someone to fill the hole in between her legs and the hollow in her heart. He would be married, he would be supportive, he would smile and tell her he was so happy she found someone too.

The thought stung but brought familiar comfort like she was in control. Gwen’s body slunk into the cushions and the music pounded against her ear drums until her mind was on autopilot and wandered.

Soft greenery and mossy forest air lingered in her nostrils, the smell of a hidden cigarette behind the bathroom, a shared glance that lasted just a moment too long. A desire that thrummed not only in her chest but in the very atmosphere around them, a persistent vibration.

Floating in and out of consciousness in the seat her mind returned to the memories of her and David at the camp.

More importantly their parting from the camp.

_“Did you get everything-”_

_Gwen had called to him a few yards away one of her bags slung over her shoulder. David was standing over near a cliff which looked over most of their terrain for the past decade. Both his hands remained on his hips and she watched his whole body shudder as he seemed to inhale the very moment he existed in._

_It must be nice, to be able to absorb something to its full potential like that, he must experience life differently to appreciate this place._

_This was the last time they would ever council children in this desolate camp, Campbell had been arrested. The tiny budget they did have could not cover the costs of his absence, the parents couldn’t even supply anything more. They had tried, David had tried to pour his life savings into the idea but it wasn’t feasible. She tried not to remember the devastation on his face when the bank rejected his offer. The summer haze was over a dream that had ended with tears and mosquito bites._

_Gwen admitted she had come to care for this place, care for all those damned kids, cared about David._

_“No. Not yet.”  
_

_David had turned around with those large introspective eyes of his and bore straight to her core. Gwen continued walking to his side unable to keep from shivering at the underlying tension between them. When she reached his side she could see the sad smile stretched across his pale cheeks and the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes._

_“I just need to get one more look, one last image. For the road.”  
_

_She could hear the stripped quality from his voice, the dip in excitement that clouded her with the exhaustion in his words. He was forcing each of them out and she turned away out of respect._

_Standing shoulder to shoulder they took in their last moments in camp Campbell in sobered silence. Her hand came to rest on the middle of his bony back, the swish of her palm on the cotton shirt filling the void of sound._

_“I will miss this place.”_

_It was a whisper from his lips and she frowned deeply._

_He moved until he faced her and his long arms intertwined around her shoulders. David knew Gwen was never big on physical affection but by the way she shifted to fit her chin in the crook of his neck he felt she must not have minded. The hug was messy and warm, they both reeked of sweat and grass, the way their limbs collided was awkward. Yet she didn’t want to let go._

_The hug lasted for a long time, until he swayed them back and forth with a familiarity only old friends could._

_It felt so good to be wrapped up in his arms, chest to chest, her cheek brushing his ear. Her emotions fluttered as they always had, the crush she had on him still simmered and she allowed herself to indulge. The bond they had formed with one another and those children was too personal to be shared. The pair shared the unspoken knowledge this would most likely be the last time they saw each other, maybe forever._

_When Gwen finally pulled back she nodded in agreement, looking up to the beanpole of a man before her. David’s expression was blank as he stared back at her, a tint of red edging on his ears._

_“What.”  
_

_He swallowed and she watched his adam apple bob, his hands shaking came to her shoulders and then her cheeks. Gwen stood frozen in confusion, unsure of why he was doing this. Almost as she was observing someone else’s perfect life she witnessed David pressing his lips down to meet hers._

_It was a chaste kiss, a brush of lips that carried years of trust._

_“I’m sorry, Gwen. I don’t know what came over me-I didn’t mean to spring that on you. I should have asked-”  
_

_All she could do was stare back at him before her own fingers came to touch her now buzzing lips._

_That had been the last time she had seen him._

* * *

 

A sudden jostle of the plane beginning take off yanked her back to the present. Her thoughts flooded with the after math of one of the most fulfilling kisses in her entire life. They had-no she-had left him behind.

Both of them loaded their camp worn memories and belongings into their trunks and said goodbye. She could feel his eyes remaining on her form the entire time she packed up. Gwen left behind stars and a chance of undeserved happiness.

During the ten hour drive home she realized just who she was, a fuck up. An absolute waste of space and David was something more than that. An idiot, maybe. But definitely not someone who should have to deal with her the rest of their lives. For the exit 4B and the roadway stretching across the vast hills she allowed herself to dream, to revel in the kiss.

Yet the sweetest fantasy came to an end when she pulled into the driveway.

David called, texted, wrote.

No reply.

In the beginning it was hard to ignore tempting messages, he was like a siren except he would have been the one drowned if she accepted him. Eventually David stopped. Gwen couldn’t tell which one hurt her more, the silence or the pain of having to distance herself.

He would have wanted love and life and she couldn’t supply him with that.

Sighing as she remembered how she ghosted the nicest man on the planet, Gwen shifted to get more comfortable in the seat. The woman next to her already asleep despite the fact they just took off.

“What the hell am I doing.”  


	2. Chapter 2

His voice can be clearly heard above all the others as her sneakered feet pad across the carpeted ramp to the waiting area.

Nostalgia wraps her up in a warm daze and for a moment everything resembles a dream. She is no longer the other woman and she is simply a successful author coming home from a business trip to her loving husband.

“Gwen!”

David hollers her name, like a fool and cups his hands around his smiling mouth.

 Other patrons shoot him a glaring glance but they cannot help but continue peering in as they watch the couple finally meet.

His eyes lock on her’s and she can sense the simmering past in his unfaltering gaze. She could only see him, maybe time slowed down if she was being dramatic, but the act of seeing him awakened deep emotions nonetheless. The way his smile encompassed his entire face reminded her heart it could in fact still skip beats.

It couldn’t last forever though as beside David was in fact, his equally beautiful fiancé.

Dread with the cold biting conviction overtakes her stomach once more killing any touchy feely crap that remained imbedded.

“Gosh David, I don’t remember going deaf or blind.”

The insults are pouring out of her lips when she reaches him before she can think them through. Yet David accepts them with a knowing smile and they stand two feet apart, her shaking hands clutching the strap of her bag. Her eyes scan over him ruthlessly although she knows his are respectfully trained to her face.

Gwen wants to breathe in his broad chest clad in a classic denim jacket and flannel yet turn around and run as far as she possibly can at the same time.

Neither of them can find any words to say, the old connection between them finding a kink in the cord to communicate as it corroded with time.

Everything is awkward and she doesn’t know how to react when David cannot help but impulsively tug her right into his arms.

When David hugs she can sense his heartbeat, his heat, his optimism. She can feel him smiling into her hair as her sweaty palms reluctantly smooth over his shoulders. It is supposed to be a friendly embrace, David would never hold her any other way, yet the hug feels strangely intimate.

In her mind, without a pill, the chaos finds harmony.

Gwen pulls away first.

As she does she does her best not to bow her body back towards him like a flower yearning for sunlight. David returns to his full towering height and laughs for a moment, as if he never kissed her or cared. Gwen scolded herself for the stupid thought, of course he didn’t, he had moved on.

“Oh heck, where are my manners! Amber, this is Gwen. Gwen this is Amber my fiancé.”

He nodded in between them and Gwen finally took her in.

Amber smiled to her counterpart, no underlying malevolence in her sparkling hazel eyes. Honey waves cascaded down her shoulders and Gwen swallowed extending her hand in greeting. Without hesitation though the blonde woman was also engulfing her in a hug. The hug was welcoming and tight, but all Gwen could think of was the way the woman’s fuller breasts sat atop her own. The sinking fear of inadequacy returned and Gwen wanted to squirm free and go home.

“I’m so honored to meet you, Gwen. I have heard so much about you and your unique way of dealing with the campers!”

Gwen hummed in response also pulling away from this hug but more than ready to escape.

David chuckled softly, before swallowing doing his best to keep everything amicable. He gently took Gwen’s luggage from her hands and Amber beamed back up to him. Gwen let out the smallest sigh and did her best not to shake to death.

“Sorry, Gwen. Amber and I are huggers.”

Allowing the mask, she had been preparing to don for weeks she nodded with a tight-lipped smile. This was who he deserved, she thought as she walked behind the couple who held hands almost like second nature. They resembled the wholesome couples on every soap opera who had an epic love story and she was the ugly step mother who tried to steal the man away. In the end, their perfect love would prevail, Amber would cook pies for him to come home to. They would make tame yet romantic love and never consider bondage and eventually have three children.

It was right for David.

She had to continue reminding herself of this every step of the way.

* * *

“Would you like some help unpacking, I know you’ll only be here a few days. But it’s still nice to feel a little at home, right?”

Gwen stood in the middle of the hotel room David had reserved. The room was nice, nicer than she expected actually although Amber’s sweet scent of cinnamon apple was clogging her nostrils.

Amber glanced at her again waiting for an answer patiently, assuming the brunette had not heard her.

“Uhm, no I should be okay. Thank you…though.”

Gwen spent a moment musing over whether or not that was polite enough for these people. It seemed to be received well, even though she could sense the underlying female competition between them. The inevitable wasn’t the easiest to escape. Although the feeling was strange, Amber in no way had shown her distaste and in fact ran on a similar soothing frequency as David.

Some part of her wished Amber was a bitch, if she hated her this wedding would have been more bearable.

David was downstairs talking with the planner, since the wedding would be taking place in the gardens owned by the hotel. Gwen knew the family must be nearby and ultimately wanted to avoid them unless they were groomsmen. She wanted Amber to leave, if she was gone Gwen could finally relax.

She could concave on herself without being asked in that sticky sweet voice stuffing her ears or David’s concerned inquiries and embarrassing thoughts. For now, though Gwen sat on the bed’s edge and moved her sock clad feet back and forth making patterns in the carpet.

“No problem, let me know if you need anything. I left my number on the table for you to call! Also, the family and friends dinner is tonight-if David didn’t tell you. I’m sure he did! I’ll let you be though, I am sure flying is tiring.”

Her long lashes batted quickly and a tinkling laugh left her pretty pink lips, Gwen could swear that she would never be humanly possible to make a noise that flawless.

They bid one another goodbye, Gwen’s eyes flying to the ceiling until she heard the door click closed behind Amber.

Her bottom lip quivered, god why was she crying.

“F-fuck.”

* * *

Her eyes began to bore a hole into the mirror, her reflection fading in and out from distinguishable human features to blurry shapes. A morbid thought ran through her mind and she sighed in the bathrobe moving to her bag to pull out a pill.

Gwen shuffled through the general mess within her hygiene bag pushing travel shampoo aside as her fingers clasped around the hard-plastic cylinder.

Droplets of water fell on her hand as she roughly ripped the lid off and dumped two of the chemical pick me ups in her palm. Without moving to get a cup of water she dry swallowed them before turning to catch her own eyes in the mirror once more.

The woman standing in the room reflected back at her was exhausted, soggy curls sagging to the middle of her collar bones and limbs boringly swallowed by the hotel bathrobe. Gwen desperately wanted to look away, forget that the boring violet eyes that stared back at her were someone else’s. Letting out an almost frustrated sigh she turned to her dress which she had laid out on the bed and yanked the zipper open lazily.

It seemed almost silly to dress up at this point, almost sinful as if she was inviting conflict. As if dressing up was a power move between Amber and herself. That was idiotic though and not how human interactions worked, Gwen murmured under her breath. Although the knowledge that accompanied her psychology degree contradicted with her words. Eventually back toward the mirror so her eyes could not catch the vision of her naked body and pick her apart by her flaws she dropped the bathrobe.

Her hands flew away from her own hips as she tugged on her panties, not wanting to acknowledge the inability for her fingers to touch her hipbones without effort. And she snapped her bra on fleeting to ignore her chest. Finally, Gwen slipped into the off the shoulder knee length black dress bending awkward to zip herself up.

The fabric fit more snuggly than before and she swallowed down the panic the realization brought her.

Trying not to think of how her stomach stuck out at the bottom or how her thighs rubbed against one another she did her make up standing at the dresser. Numb like a hollow shell, Gwen applied the powders and glosses before pulling her curls in a high bun with tendrils falling around her face. Placing hoops in her ears and heels on her feet, she found her clutch purse and walked out of the hotel room’s door.

She must look a mess, she knew it.

* * *

“Ah Gwen, I haven’t seen you in years!”

Internal dread filled her as she prepared her brightest smile and turned to the voice that had birthed David with annoying optimism. Gwen pushed her smile to be wider as the older woman patted her exposed shoulder. Under his mother’s gaze she could tell the woman wished her complexion was five times lighter.

“Nice to see you again, Mrs. Greenwood.”

The family and friends had begun to trickle in and enjoy the snacks that were placed out in the hall while the main dining room was being prepared. Gwen appreciated the soft creams of the exterior and housed a glass of wine near the drink table until David’s stupid mother came along.

David had inherited most of his mother’s traits, the deep red hair, shining blue eyes, and a kind heart. She would like to think his heart was genuine, his mother’s came off staged frequently to her although she never voiced it. Maybe his mother could sense she was worthless. Taking a deep breath, she rubbed her elbow in attempt to ground herself.

“Please, I’ve told you call me Carol.”

Adjusting her pearls around her pale neck she watched as the younger woman shifted from foot to foot.

“Yes, of course…Carol.”

Her brain transitioned to autopilot as the conversation dragged on, instead focusing on the décor around them. Something about it didn’t fit David, perhaps it was the posh overextravagant luxury of the place, or the fact there was not a single plant to be found in the hotel. The space dripped expense not experience, a modern take on a vintage look. The David, at least the one she knew, loved to find beauty in the outdoors not the man made.

She couldn’t complain though, it was comfortable; just not David.

Not David at all, she thought as her heels sunk into the white carpet.

“Exciting, isn’t it? Amber is such a sweetheart, so cultured as well. David absolutely adores her. I’m sure you already knew that though!”

Gwen tried to ignore the accusatory tone in Carol’s words as she emphasized the word adore. Simply finding the energy to nod she continued to allow his mother to babble revealing more and more about their relationship than she cared to know.

“He told you how they met, right? Such a sweet tale! Amber was so committed to those children at the library, practically taught them how to read. You know how David feels about children-They got along so well. My poor son, took him months to ask her out. I don’t blame him she is such a gorgeous girl. I’m sure they are both glad he did now!”

She had to physically restrain herself from letting her pupils roll into the back of her skull.

“Adorable, really.”

Gwen was good at faking but all of this was causing her more discomfort than she already felt, she sipped the wine again but longer. Her cup was almost all the way empty and she resisted the desire to down it in one last gulp.

People continued to mull around mingling with one another, the chatter pleasant and soft. Eventually one of David’s past friends must have come and interrupted them and Carol turned to greet them happily. She took this time to escape and move to a corner in which no one would bother her, or at least actively seek her out. Gwen looked around the hall seeing a few familiar faces but not many, most of her and David’s time together was alone at the camp.

The first year they worked together in the spring he invited her to his first house warming party, but could she even remember anyone from that long ago.

A tapping of a glass from Amber who stood on a chair silenced everyone.

“If I could have everyone please come into the dining hall! Feel free to sit wherever unless you are part of the bridal party. Jennifer-could you please help me down?”

Everyone mulled into the dining hall and Gwen held onto the piping of her glass until it was gently lifted out of her hands. She glanced to her side surprised to see David standing beside her, she assumed he would be near Amber. Her eyes flickered back to the blonde who was surrounded by those who seemed to be her bridesmaids and laughing.

Amber was gorgeous, in that simple classic way.

Old Hollywood, straight teeth, thin and tall sort of way. Red lipsticks would always blend into her plump lips perfectly, she probably never struggled to get her jeans over her thighs. The dress she wore gave off an air of sophistication and money.

“Where you going, you sit at the bridal party table.”

David said this softly, as he passed her glass to a worker nearby and thanked him. Gwen forced a smile and nodded, her eyes immediately flew to the ground though. If she looked at him she would feed that tiny spark of hope in her heart that he would fall in love with her all over again.

If he had ever loved her.

Although in her peripheral she noted the dark brown slacks he wore, the white button up with rolled up sleeves, and simple mustard tie.

He invaded her space with his scent and warmth and she followed behind him silently to the bridal table. David said nothing as well, yet he seemed unaffected by the tension she felt.

In a simple motion, he pulled out her seat for her which happened to be across from his, before taking his seat next to Amber. Her pale hand slithered into the crook of his elbow and David discreetly jumped as if remembering something. The lighting was dimmer in the dining hall, Gwen focused on the table wear in front of her, hands fiddling with her purse strap.

Glancing at name cards and settling in the rest of the wedding party filled in the long rectangular table around them. David and Amber talked excitedly about nothing in particular but seemed content with doing so, they didn’t interrupt Gwen as she tapped away on her phone. The chair beside her was suddenly pulled out and she scooted over.

“Sorry.”

A deep male voice said and a presence occupied the space beside her.

“It’s no problem.”

Gwen stopped typing for a moment to acknowledge the man who sat beside her. By the time her eyes had settled on him, his brown eyes were already trained on her. He was tan, built, with darker hair and his smile grew when their eyes met. This should be the moment, the moment she finds someone else, but it’s not.

Still she finds herself flirting without intending to.

“Tom.”

He extends a palm in which she slides her own and shakes it firmly.

“Gwen.”

His expression betrays his thought process and he nods letting his hand slip out of her’s when he takes a seat. She can almost hear David shift in his own chair, unless that was just in her head. Tom’s fingers linger as their hands part though and Gwen laughs gently, it’s so practiced the sound convinces everyone but herself.

This is the act of settling.

“I’ve heard of you! Yeah you and David used to work together. Well, thank god they sat me next to a beautiful woman, I don’t know if I could make it through this dinner sitting by these love birds if they hadn’t.”

Now she was genuinely laughing and blushing.

“We did. For a few years actually, have we met before? Other than right now, obviously?”

Tom stared at the brown woman in front of him with his face scrunched in thought. Waiters were moving around the room filling the empty glasses with a different wine than before, as Gwen and Tom spoke they gingerly reached over and filled the table’s glasses.

“Must not have, I would remember someone like you-”

David interjected into the conversation, the usual friendly grin still plastered on his face but his voice edging a growl.

“Maybe not Tom, you’re so forgetful sometimes. I mean you even forgot Bethany at that frat party all those years ago. Funny times, really!”

Both Gwen and Tom redirected their attention to the ginger across the table and even Amber lifted her head from his shoulder. David laughed heartily at the end of his sentence to which Amber and Tom joined in but Gwen couldn’t help but notice the passive aggressive implications. She also didn’t miss the way his knuckles had tightened ever so slightly around the piping of his glass.

Shaking her head, Gwen pushed the thought away. He was probably only remembering a fond memory between Tom and himself. On cue David cleared his throat and she acquitted the tone to just the thickness in his throat.

Dinner continued, the food coming out eventually and the bridal table as well as the dining hall was alight with conversation. Gwen moved her food back and forth with her fork laughing at Tom’s jokes and occasionally meeting eyes with Amber. The woman across from her beamed, her hand never seeming to leave David’s.

As Tom engaged Amber in a chat about the library, David’s eyes finally bumped into her’s.

Gwen was in the mist of sipping her wine through half lidded eyes when she noticed David’s gaze. Neither of them broke eye contact though, she desperately wanted to.

The soft yellow light cast shadows on her skin a glow from within appearing to be emanating from the woman in front of him. Her curls glistened still damp from earlier and her long lashes batted slowly in slight intoxication. The image was committing to his memory as he swallowed thickly. Gwen finally averted her eyes and he attempted to do the same but could not find the strength.

Her tongue darted out on her lower lip to catch the wine.

He wanted to watch her all over again.

David had almost forgotten how nice it was to see her smile after half a glass of wine.

Abruptly he stood from the table, the guests around him continued to talk unaware of his sudden stance. Amber placed her fork down and furled her brows at his movement, his friend and ex coworker still enthralled in their conversation.

“Honey? Where are you going?”

David smiled reassuringly, reminding himself of his sweet fiancé.

“Oh, just need to use the bathroom.”

Yes, he loved Amber. The inner confession equally calmed and agitated him. Gently he swooped down to kiss her briefly, pressing his lips into her’s more persistently than he typically would have.

The wine must be messing with his nerves, bringing up old raw feelings that didn’t exist anymore.

They couldn’t.


	3. Chapter 3

Within seconds she was yanking her hand away from the coffee mug as if her fingers were skimming an open flame.

The pain was immediate, irreversible, and easy to tuck away by shoving her pulsing hand under the bathroom sink. Gwen let out hissing puffs as the cold water seared her already red fingertips. She deflated, bending over the sink and pressing her cheek flush against the cold marble of the countertop.

As the water ran over her fingers she watched them through hungover eyes and her mind raced, begging for the pills or sleep. Her head thrummed with fuzzy images of David’s smile and Tom’s throat from the night prior, a wavelength of self-hatred intertwining itself in between each color slide of memory. Human behavior was complicated. She continued to leave her fingers underneath the running faucet even though her fingers were numb.

Stretching her fingers, Gwen thought over the explanation one of her old professors had muttered about human behavior.

There’s only two things humans actively pursue, reproduction and survival.

Gwen scoffed; what a failure of a human she was, she could do neither. Sighing with a lung-shattering puff of air, she ran over the behaviors she’d witnessed the night prior. Sometimes the psychology degree was too much to escape, the thought process more to cope than to understand. Uncommon behaviors for sure, but all of them could be attributed to shock as well as novelty.

Gwen was his past.

Confronting the past must have disrupted the very equilibrium David depended on, his downfall, his missteps were all her fault.

There was nothing left, nothing to begin with, and nothing to look forward to.

Gwen closed her eyes, frowning deeply, a very clear recollection of the natural way David had kissed Amber. It was a kiss which was practiced for sure. Their lips met in familiar content, quite opposite to the one her and David had shared years prior. She considered telling him she was sick and just taking the next flight back home, disappearing out of his life completely. She couldn’t handle opening Christmas cards with Amber’s face on it, eventually the bundle of joy they would create, and their two-story house.

Yanking her body upright, she shut off the water and stared at the ceiling to clear the tears from her eyes.

Instead of its usual seconds the hot pain lasted for a few minutes, as if exposure to David was expediting the decaying process in her body.

He viewed her as a friend-and only a friend.

The conclusion satisfied her in a strange way. Dressing quickly and chugging another cup of coffee, Gwen had just started wrangling her hair into a ponytail when someone knocked on her door. She didn’t know who was on the other side of the door but she wished they would go away.

When she opened the door, the wish intensified.

“Good morning, Gwen!”

Amber’s greeting resembled her fiancé’s eerily, and Gwen had the sinking feeling David probably woke her up the same way he used to her. Except Amber sang back to him, probably turned and wrapped him up in her thin loving arms, rather than screaming at him to fuck off.  Gwen forced a smile and crossed her black sweater-clad arms across her chest.

“Morning, Amber.”

Amber’s glasses perched on the tip of her nose, magnifying her eyes and making her more ethereal than before. She clasped a golden notebook in her manicured hands, and she practically vibrated with enthusiasm.

“May I come in?”

Gwen wanted nothing more than to reject her, but maybe allowing her inside would perpetuate her excuse to go home. Stepping aside so the other could enter, Gwen closed the door behind her and wanted to burn the high heeled boots that clicked along the floor as Amber walked. The high-pitched collision of heel with tile was hammer and nail to the hungover brain.

Amber sat on the bed as if they were close friends or at a sleepover and crossed her legs under her. Gwen continued to keep her distance and leaned against the wall, pouring herself the third cup of the morning. Her eyes flickered cautiously as Amber reached in her bag, producing a bottle of red liquid.

“I thought you might like this…after drinking last night. I’ll just leave it here.”

Not being able to openly roll her eyes was killing Gwen, especially with this girl talking to her like she was a wild animal. Maybe she was. Some wild animal which Amber viewed that David had so kindly taken pity on. If she was his fiancé she would probably wonder the same thing, why make this girl who you haven’t seen in years the maid of honor. Yet she seemed comfortable, due to trust most likely.

Even if Gwen was just a wild animal she understood social courtesies.

“Thanks, I just really prefer coffee.”

“Oh-I know.”

She froze mid sip to quirk an eyebrow at the girl on the bed who instantaneously turned red. Pushing her reading glasses up her nose, Amber laughed and tucked golden strands behind her ear.

“Sorry…Sorry I just remember really little details when people tell me things, or I overhear them. That sounds absolutely silly, right? I just remember in the car you mentioned something about coffee to David-and two sugars.”

Amber’s entire aura brightened just at the mention of her David’s name and something inherently sad stung in Gwen’s heart. Something resembling jealously but not bitter enough, just a sharp prick followed by humming absence.

“You also…really like books? Right?”

Gwen continued to stare at the girl on her bed, silently going back to sipping coffee, unable to stop herself from admiring how this Amber fit into the aesthetic effortlessly. The picture seemed to click with her lithe form on the white sheets instead of herself. What she would give to be in this adorkable girl’s shoes and to just feel desirable for once.

“Yeah. I like books.”

Amber took this as a way to transition into asking about her favorite authors and of course she knew exactly the ones she mentioned. The damn girl was a librarian, she expected nothing less, but even Gwen was impressed with the fluency and passion she spouted about the literature they discussed. She knew Amber was only there to get to know her better, scope out the unspoken competitor but if she squinted it could be seen as Amber genuinely caring about her. Eventually Amber’s guard lowered more than it already had as her shoulders slumped in comfort.

Gwen didn’t want to like Amber, she wanted more than anything to hate her. This was proving to be difficult as the blonde practically pounced on the opportunity to discuss all the extended metaphors and complex parallels in the romance series involving shithead vampires.

Until Amber opened the golden notebook of hers and pointed to a cut out of a stark white wedding dress.

“I like it, but I…I wanted to know what you thought. You’re really important to David, I know you two must be really good friends and if he likes you well then, I like you Gwen. You also have a really good taste in books. Will he like it?”

Gwen couldn’t tell if her smile conveyed the underlying cocktail of emotions that assaulted her nervous system as she answered.

“It’s beautiful.”

* * *

Whatever had lingered in his gaze last night was gone, the ghosts of their past possessing only her. In the garden, Gwen sat across from the couple as the wedding planner ran down a few last remaining details. Amber had insisted Gwen join her and David, since she was the maid of honor. David had said nothing to her all day other than his typical good morning.

Their dynamic had changed from the days at camp, and it was clear that the only relationship left was blaringly platonic.

Relief and the unfaltering urge to scream filled Gwen but she continued to sip the tea presented to her. Earlier when the trio had first arrived to meet with the planner and the tea was brought out David made the instinctual move to prepare Gwen’s tea. Other than this David was a porcelain doll to her with an unmoving smile on his face but seemed to animate when he spoke to Amber.

This was how it should be, this is how friendships worked.

Amber had cut in, practically begging to make Gwen’s cup. Her thin fingers had delicately stirred the sugar with the spoon not clacking against the sides of the cup like Gwen would have. She was probably motivated by external praise just like David, how cute.  

The wedding planner laid down an option for the final tablecloth colors, one a soft yellow and the other a silken pastel blue. Amber swallowed up the content although Gwen just saw yellow and blue pieces of cloth. The whole morning, Amber had remained tucked into David’s shoulder who wrapped his arm around her waist.

“Which one do you like, honey?”

He lifted them both up one by one and kissed the top of Amber’s head.

“The yellow one is really nice.”

Amber’s smile came off a little more forced as her eyes flickered between the two-color choices, as if making a much bigger decision than just color schemes she hummed. Her dainty hands picked up the blue placing it in front of them.

“Well…I really do like the blue.”

Gwen paused and actually listened in for a moment. Nice people tension. Sometimes the subtle things were more interesting to watch than trashy reality tv. Yet the friction disappeared as soon as it appeared both insisting the other one’s favorite be the final choice.

David was adamant as he spoke to his fiancé. He looked vital and full of life, his eyes shining with affection. Had he ever looked at her like that?  The look where his eyes half lidded, a natural lazy smile on his cheeks, a loving warmth emanating from his face. No. He never had.

Gwen didn’t know how she would even react if anyone looked at her like David looked at Amber, with so much love.

The tea in her mouth suddenly went down as a cold watery lump.

Setting the cup on the saucer she reached for a cookie, remembering how she’d neglected her dinner the night before.She was poison and filling her with anything that rich would corrupt it, the anxiety in her system would force out any such comfort or relief.

“What do you think, Gwen?”

Neither of the colors matched David at all in actuality. The yellow was not developed enough to resemble the stark colors he liked and the blue in her opinion was gaudy. The David who sat before he wasn’t her David though, he was the engaged David. Still she preferred not to be involved at all, she preferred to be on a plane back home and swiping through tinder. Gwen didn’t want to be responsible for any decisions that would most likely ruin their wedding and that would be another guilt on her head.

“I think they are both nice-”

Amber cut in again, this time pulling free from David’s protective grasp.

“No no, really Gwen. Which one would you pick?”

The cookie in between her fingers felt like a ball and chain at the moment, too heavy to carry, and Gwen placed it back on the saucer, now cornered. The couple looked to her expectantly and she reluctantly uncrossed her arms from her chest.

“Amber, I don’t want to make any decisions for you two. It’s not my wedding…”

David scoffed in a good-natured way, capturing Amber’s hand within his own.

“You’re right it isn’t your wedding-”

He began and Amber finished the sentence before him with an almost automatic timing.

“-but we would greatly appreciate your opinion, Gwen.”

Finally pulling her back from the lawn chair, Gwen gave in. One overly happy man child was enough, combine him with America’s sweetheart and there was no hope. It only made sense to pick a medium between the two extremes.

Producing an elegant washed out lime green handkerchief from the pile the planner had left them with, Gwen waited for their judgement. Amber squealed and snatched up the fabric quickly, and hugged it to her chest. David seemed equally pleased with the choice and in a way relieved. He glanced to Gwen and she tried to erase any thoughts involving the way his expression softened momentarily.

The breach in his offish nature only lasted a moment before replacing itself again with the polite removed smile.

“Thank you, Gwen, this is the best choice. It almost makes me wish you had been here earlier to help with all the planning.”

She accepted the compliment with a cold heart, somehow feeling as if she was contributing to her own emotional murder.

* * *

A bee buzzed nearby, landing on a rose near Gwen, unbothered by her presence. They walked through the path in silence, David a few feet ahead of her with his hands stuffed in his coat pockets. Her eyes soaked in the gardens, set up in such a way to feel smothering and awe-inspiring. Series of flowers and fauna up to her shoulders surrounded them as her and David made the trek to the general clearing where the ceremony would take place. The walk from the main building to the clearing from the side of the gardens they were on would take around fifteen minutes, although the guests would be coming from a much closer separate entrance.

As the sunlight illuminated every leaf around her and trees curved over the path she took a deep breath, feeling somehow at home. It reminded her of the camp, with its untamed beauty and her inability to appreciate things to the fullest.

Amber had stayed behind to talk with the planner, telling them to head out without her, how she didn’t like to walk through that path since she was afraid of snakes. David had nodded once, promising to scold the snakes away for his fiancé, who laughed heartily. Regardless they were alone now.

Each step felt like a dream, and if she removed herself enough from the situation she could pretend they were two teenage lovers sneaking into the woods for a romp.

David walked too far though, held his posture in an uninviting manner, and continued to be silent. Memories of their hikes replayed in her mind and she stung with the desire to return to the state before they became strangers. Like Oedipus she wanted to un-see her sins, forget how she had slain her father and fucked her mother, stab out her eyes with the brooch. She wanted to return to the innocence of trailing after David in the night to the cabin, watching Bob Ross in silence, and mocking him with a genuine smile.

She had tainted that reality though, and through her removal jammed the pins deep into her eyes.

If the moment was a movie he would have turned around and confessed her love to her. They would be together, the soft boy and tough girl.

But it wasn’t a movie. He didn’t love her. She was too pathetic to be loved.

When David finally spoke, and stopped in his tracks she thought she had thought it up in her head.

“Gwen.”

Her name was vulnerable coming from his mouth.

The redhead turned around to speak again and she paused, flicking her eyes to him with raised brows, waiting for him to continue.

“I’m really glad you’re here.”

She opened her mouth to respond and David gently held up his hand to silence her, and they stood feet apart eyes never meeting.

“I know you’re not excited to be here. I mean you have such a big life to live especially with your degree and all but I’m truly thankful…You have been such a good friend and coworker and even flew here just to see me get married. I wanted to say thank you.”

Gwen had to calm the fluttering of her heart, had to stop the influx of energy his happiness gave to her. It was easy when he uttered the word ‘friend.’

“Yeah. It’s an important moment. You and Amber really seem to love each other.”

The response was short, but he could expect nothing less from Gwen. She’d never been the talker in their dynamic, more of the detached listener or invested ranter. There was only once that she opened up at camp completely, when she explained the reasons she took a pill every morning and needed to drive away to get the prescription refilled.

Mention of Amber’s name brought a giddy smile to his lips.

“We do. I didn’t think a woman like that would go for me, actually. Pretty and smart with a heart of pure gold. She loves children, Gwen. Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing if I hadn’t met Amber…I love her, a lot. I can recall every detail of the first time I saw her reading to the group of angels around her feet-like sheep to a shepherd.”

Everything Gwen was not.

It hurt, it hurt so purely to hear him babble so confidently about his love for Amber. Her mask was cracking, the shakes that rocked her body became more pronounced and she jerked her face to the side so he couldn’t catch the way her eyes instinctively watered. She wanted to cry, oh god did she want to just break down in the ugliest sobs. Gwen wanted to desperately sob out all of those black disgusting feelings like tar from her tear ducts, she wished she could yank out the emotions like a rope from her esophagus and leave them in a soaked pile in the middle of the path.

Her chest constricted and she nodded between his pauses, she wrung her hands harder and harder with each soft utter of Amber’s name. The two-syllable killer. She no longer wanted to feel, she wanted to go home.

Where was home though, was it in David’s arms in camp Campbell or in the apartment downtown with the urban scenes of the present?

On the outside, she was the pinnacle of normality, her usual reserved self with the supportive smile copy and pasted on her tired face.

“I’m so happy for you, David. She must be the one.”

And with that Gwen stepped two feet back away from him, out of their little eternity and back into reality.


	4. Chapter 4

Her eyes were open before her alarm went off, her hands laying at her sides giving her the appearance of a corpse. Staring at the ceiling she let out a low groan and patted beside her to silence the chipper ringing echoing off the walls. Gwen blinked fuzzy curls out of her vision as she rolled onto her side, the light from the screen blinded her further.

Once it was cut off the ambience of the morning settled once more.

The hotel bed was comfortable, but it was almost too comfortable to sleep in properly. She was used to waking up and rolling onto the floor to crack her back. The last few nights Gwen had gotten five hours of sleep max, which was more than normal but not enough nonetheless.

Spreading her fingers on the empty sheets on the other side of the bed she thought of the last time she had woken up to another person beside her.

The thought brought a grimace to her face, she didn’t have a particularly good track record with relationships. Mainly a series of hook ups or regretted relationships where she put mounds of effort into pleasing the other until she stood back and realized they could give less of a fuck. Gwen never tried to improve though, her relationships were what she deserved, the world was made up of failed marriages and she was doomed to be part of the majority. Most of the time the thought came and went but being around all of this love was getting to her.

David and Amber fit together so effortlessly and loved without doubt.

She prayed to be numb but her body was on a binge for pain and continued to pulse it through her veins. Gwen sat up, her hair a large puffy halo around her head, and scooted toward the edge of the bed to begin the day. Amber was an easy person to dwell on, her beauty created new insecurities Gwen didn’t know she had and the woman was genuinely kind.

Disliking Amber was unfair, Gwen was aware of this, if she made David happy that was all that mattered.

The dark selfish part of her heart disagreed finding miniscule justifications for wanting to sink her nails into Amber’s jugular and fought for power over her actions. Fortunately, it was smothered or at least kept at bay due to her desire to let David lead the beautiful life he worked so hard for. Gwen’s emotions swayed within the two extremes although she always wrangled the hatred in with self-discipline and the pills.  

Her fingers itched to write and to hold a real book in her hands, the one she was devouring before she left the city was too burdensome to take on the plane.

If god’s perfect couple had anything in store for her today she was unaware and contemplated going out alone. Isolation had become second nature for Gwen and being alone with a good book overcame the depressive impulse to throw herself back into the sheets and sleep.

She no longer wanted to hurt, the stinging was becoming unbearable, she wanted to cope and then mourn when she was home again.

More than not Gwen felt her life consisted of finding ways to manage her emotions, the pills, the dissociated pleasant persona, and the shakes. David had been the only person to ever silence the constant onslaught of anxiety. More reason for her to release him from her web, he was naïve when they had kissed in the past and didn’t know the venom lying under her self-deprecating ways.

Gwen sighed and blocked out all other people from her mind, blankness flood over her mind pressing the pain to the back burner temporarily.

Shuffling into the bathroom she wiggled out of her tee-shirt and underwear focusing her eyes straight ahead to avoid seeing herself. After she walked around the hotel wrapped in her towel listening to the news drone on the television. Gwen struggled to shake the leggings over her still damp legs falling back on the bed and comically squirming like a bug to get them on. Her boots and white oversized sweater followed along with a hat to cover her still soaking hair.

When she entered the hallway, and made sure the door locked itself behind her, Tom was also exiting his room for the day a few rooms down.

“Hey, Gwen.”

Could she pretend to not have heard him? Was that too openly rude? She had really wanted to be alone today with coffee and books.

Tom was already killing those fantasies though as he briskly made his way to her side. By the looks of it he was also heading out for the day and smelled of strongly of cologne. She straightened up standing at full height finding herself only up to his shoulder.

“Hi.”

Before she knew it, Tom was asking too many questions and in order to maintain civil Gwen was telling him more than she wanted to reveal. He was delighted to hear about her plans to go to a coffee shop in fact he knew one that was only a ten-minute walk away. His lips were moving but her ears were simply absorbing the sound without registering the words. She didn’t have to be listening to know what he was talking about.

“So, would you mind if I joined you? I’ll show you where the shop is, we could hang there for a bit…unless you have other plans…”

The answer no was tingling on her lips until she remembered her resolve at dinner.

Today’s goal was coping, coping involved sacrifice and doing things she didn’t like. Tom was a distraction a vessel to hold all of her messy desires and ultimately disappoint. He wasn’t the worst person, he would hold open the door for her and keep his eyes respectfully trained on her face, but his features reminded her of control. Something about him resembled the well-wishing husband who would prescribe her the rest cure after her post baby blues.

She was being too picky though, cruel without knowing the man at all.

Gwen couldn’t afford to be exclusive, there was nothing about her that justified her holding herself out.

“Yeah. I don’t know my way around the town anyway.”

* * *

Nestled in a corner of the coffee shop, Gwen and Tom claimed two worn in recliners and a table between book shelves.

She had to admit, the shop was appealing and the smell of old books and coffee mixed together really well. There were a few boxes of records and a general drone of alternative music coming from speakers behind the counter. The staff were all miserable college students with wide rimmed glasses and strong political views-which she deeply appreciated.

Gwen snickered and even purchased a sticker with a quote from the infamous Plath, now there was a woman with some major emotional problems.

None of these aspects of the coffee shop compared to the shop’s star, the fattest orange tabby she had ever seen. The feline perched its plump body on the window sill in front of the store as if welcoming all the patrons into the coffee paradise. She could not remember the last time she audibly awed at anything but when the tabby had meowed at the ring of the store door’s bell there was nothing that could stop her.

Tom initially tried to maintain a healthy conversation but she was not the most responsive, that didn’t dissuade him from interest in her though. Eventually he came to the conclusion Gwen liked quiet, she only said what she needed too or felt was necessary and it was respectable. A lot of his topics involved compliments directed towards her but soon they had both fallen into their own trances of silence. The pair occupied the same place consuming words and creamer peacefully.

While she was not happy by any means she was complacent in this state.

Crossing her legs in the chair and opening her laptop to a new document she began to dabble with several different ideas. Suddenly pink beans, the cat’s toes, were pressing excitedly on her keyboard. Seeing his new friend and petting slave move away from the general area of the shop had caused him to seek her out. Tom chuckled behind his book watching Gwen eventually give into the insistent cat and pet him in long loving strokes.

Meowing one last time, the cat plopped down on the arm of her chair and hazardously across her lap. The moment was a nice one, a picture to cling to later and she actually smiled. Her eyes flickered to Tom who was covering his mouth as he laughed and what should have satisfied her only reminded her of the hollow in her heart.

He was handsome and nice, yet she still had the sobering desire that it was David sitting across from her in the oversized recliner next to her.

So, she kissed him.

* * *

Standing alone in the middle of her hotel room, Gwen placed her bag near the door and melted to the floor. Lying as close to hell as she could muster she couldn’t help but start laughing. She had kissed Tom-David’s best friend! Her laughter was full of chokes and gasps and soon tears joined the mix as well.

Her tongue tasted like coffee and regret, she wanted to pull the entire loll of muscle out of her mouth and throw up her entire past.

Back to the ground and nose to the ceiling the giggles subsided into heavy racking sobs, no longer was the act silly but just sad. Why was she sad-she should be happy! The holy grail had been acquired, a man to distract her from the whirlwind of happiness around her. Tom was exactly what the doctor ordered, nothing more nothing less. In actuality now that she thought about it she wasn’t good enough for him either. He didn’t deserve to be pitied by his friend’s stupid ex coworker who didn’t understand the concept of platonic love.

Gwen wanted to apologize to Tom, wanted to explain to him how idiotic and how her entity was nothing but mistakes. But before she could he had kissed her back, not pressuring just simple reciprocation. His lips had molded to her’s and Gwen had pulled back with a wavering smile.

He was a gentleman, he didn’t push her.

All he did was smile and offered to walk her back home. Walked her to her door and wrote down his number on the complimentary hotel pad telling her to call him if she wanted to see him again. He wasn’t looking for a soul mate either, she could tell but he was undeserving of her burdens regardless. Maybe she should have invited him inside, stop being an uptight bitch, spread her legs and pretended to orgasm.

This was supposed to make her feel better.

It was supposed to help her cope.

Stupid shit like this always worked in the past-what was the difference now?

Across the room in her bag the phone made a soft chime and lifting her head from the ground, Gwen stared at it for a long moment.

Letting the back of her head fall back on the ground she took several deep breaths to steady her heartbeat once more. She needed to stop crying all the damn time, using rough swipes at her cheeks she cleared the tears from her face.

Exhausted now Gwen pulled the bag over by the strap and fished out her phone.

A lone text from the one person she wanted to forget about blinked back at her.

[David]:  _Hi CBFL! Amber and I were super busy today sorry I didn’t say anything earlier. Just wanted to let you know Amber found the old Bob Ross CD in the closet today. Let me know if you want me to come over and watch it with you, for old times’ sake!_

She shouldn’t.

Gwen shouldn’t even reply.

His phone buzzed an hour later.

[Gwen]:  _okay._


	5. Chapter 5

The knocking on the door spooked Gwen so much she dropped her phone of the side of the bed and scrambled to a sitting position. Sighing and forcing out a laugh she moved to stand filled with a different kind of anxiety. Resembling excitement, the anxiety ran deep and her eyes could not resist skimming to the mirror.

Her eyes regretted the decision soaking in her sweat pants clad frame and rejecting it instantly.

The door was swung open quicker than either of them expected it too bringing them to a conclusion neither was prepared for.

David stood dumb founded almost, arms full of snacks and the Bob Ross CD sticking out hazardously of his coat pocket. The pair seemed to dance around one another as he entered the hotel room as soon as she stepped aside. Their feet knew the dance but were clumsily hanging on to the routine as if they hadn’t practiced in years. Gwen’s hands helped unload the items from his arms and their movements were rehearsed but ultimately detached. Comfort was found in the familiarity as the motions calmed her.

“Ah, Gwen, I really should have asked you earlier. I hope I’m not interrupting your alone time, I know how important that is to you, especially with all this chaos.”

Yet David didn’t budge from his place, feet glued to the carpet, hands clutching the CD.

“What, David I agreed? This is fine, I would just be reading if you didn’t come over.”

They stared at one another for a second as she closed the door behind him. David had a way of staring at anything as if he was dissecting it, consuming every detail, the manner of it had not ceased to send heat down her spine. She had to look away, had to push those sensations away, and accept the truth. Some part of her considered telling him about Tom, make him feel secure that she had moved on. That part of her was shushed though, instead she awkwardly side stepped to the box of popcorn he had delivered.

“Kettle corn, huh.”

Gwen turned the box over and over in her hands quietly. He stood in place, fingers coming to play with the sleeve of his denim jacket. As she shuffled across the floor to pop the bag in the microwave she considered changing, he was fully dressed in flannel in jeans and here she was in pajamas. Pressing the buttons on the microwave she wished silently it were some sort of bomb so she could end this tension between them, or just herself he deserved to get married.

The air between them continued to be filled with static silence.

“You can start the movie if you want to…”

Gwen muttered this and he jumped to do something, bending at the waist to adjust the player.

In another life, he was her’s and he was setting in their weekend date night movie. She didn’t care about how she was dressed or how many calories she had eaten. They would both lay on the bed and not have to be aware of the silence around them, they would simply experience the colors and noises emanating from the TV.

The first pop of a kernel erased those thoughts from her mind once more.

“Uh, Gwen I can’t get it to work…”

* * *

_“I guess I’m a little weird. I like to talk to trees and animals. That’s okay though; I have more fun than most people.”_

Bob Ross commented on himself quietly and Gwen couldn’t help the smug smile that covered her face. Momentarily her eyes flickered to the redhead lounged on the bed entranced by the painting coming together on the screen. Initially he insisted he sit in the recliner as they watched the show together but she rejected.

Gwen needed the structure of the chair to keep her mind in place and something to hold onto when her heart pumped too hard in her chest.

The popcorn was disappearing between the two of them and her eyes consumed the Ross painting searching for salvation. Her memory flicking back and forth through past and present melting into the ultimate comfort David served.

For a moment, she indulged.

The light from the television gave his pale skin the ability to have colors dance off his cheeks, the point of his nose was satisfying, his large eyes were mirrors half lidded and relaxed. She wanted to touch him, brush her fingers if nothing more than that. David shifted one of his hands to support his chin and a smile was sitting dormant on his face.

His lazy smile triggered a bitter sweet sting and she wondered if his kisses tasted the same as they once had. Was the slow ghosting of their lips those years prior an anomaly in his kisses or had he always put his soul into his kisses? Gwen didn’t want him to leave, she didn’t want to give the moment up, she didn’t want to stop pretending.

Everything clicked in her, maybe she would never stop doubting herself but for now her body thrummed in calm ticks finding internal rhythm similar to David’s. Suddenly his eyes were leaving the screen, her mind told her to abort to yank themselves away but the retreat was too late. David turned his head slightly finding her eyes already trained on him as well, the affinity between them was coming to an end she was more than sure.

Their gazes didn’t waver though as Ross drawled on in the background and the program faded into the next leaving them in darkness. They studied one another in the limited lighting although there was something revealing about its dim qualities. Gwen could sense an intimacy that was surely one sided and she was the one to break the eye contact first. The separation felt like yanking two magnets apart and she swallowed down the want to look again.

“Are you tired?”

David’s voice was a whisper and she felt the space between them had shrunk, the interaction resembled something vulnerable and raw. His voice was slinking its way into her ears and down to her core injecting itself in her very essence. Why had she never been able to feel this way with anyone else. Gwen could sense his eyes were still lingering on her and something about it felt as intimate as if he was knitting his fingers deeply into her hair and gripping her scalp.

“No. Not really.”

When she turned back to him, David had looked away the moment dissipating. As if the tension had never existed David laughed offhand mentioning Amber and the time he should get home. Guilt bubbled in the back of her mind for even considering their time together as anything more than pure, full of anything other than laughs and sacrifice. Grabbing another handful of popcorn kernels, she swallowed them down like thick petals that expanded in her stomach. She prepared for his departure thought up all the things she could read about to keep her mind busy, until he spoke up again.

“This reminds me of when we let the kids stay up late that one night watching Ross with us. Ya know when we spread out all their sleeping bags on the floor of the mess hall? Heck even Max liked that night…”

A feeling washed over them, nostalgia fueled smiles and David’s silent movement closer to the woman beside him.

“How would I forget. They pulled the old hand in hot water prank on you while you slept.”

While she snorted, his cheeks flooded with red hot embarrassment and as he laughed his hand flew to the back of his neck.

“Oh, well I hoped you would have forgotten about that…”

* * *

In the doorway, his arms were enclosing around her shoulders before she could question the move, the heat drowning her hesitations as he squeezed. David never did the bare minimum and committed to every hug he had ever given, this one was no different. Gwen could feel her resolve slipping, her good judgement choking, her hands begging to claw their way down his back and free herself.

The scratch to drag him closer but shove him away, mark him with the pain she was feeling but pollute his mind with her sins and desire.

Her hands did not move though, they remained hovering off the denim of his jacket respectfully and cautiously. Their bodies were flush, her breasts squished and warm against his chest and the miniscule sound of his breath audible in her ear.

_This was how friends held one another._

_Friends hugged._

Gwen had to chant the mantra in her head for what felt like an eternity until the words lost meaning and were mushed sounds. Slowly his palm began to rub along her back once then twice and she had to lock her knees in order to stay upright.

David was the one to pull away first this time though.

“I had a wonderful time Gwen. This was definitely needed friend time before the ceremony and everything gets crazy again tomorrow!”

Her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“Yeah, you should get home to get rest.”

Silence sat between them for a moment before he nodded curtly hands shoved deep in his jean pockets.

“Goodnight, Gwen.”

Standing in the doorway she watched as David turned on his heel and began walking toward the elevator, his tall form stalked the shine of his red hair lingering as an image in her mind.

In this moment, she realized she was composed of multiple broken pieces and David with every step he took was taking yet another piece of her away.

“Goodnight, David.”


	6. Chapter 6

Screams, no squeals, filled the air around Gwen making her eardrums pulse with the high frequency.

If she could sink back into the cushions behind her and disappear she would but instead a wavering smile was the only response she made. On a pedestal in front of her, Amber in her full size two glory, was spinning in the white dress as her friends practically sobbed at her beauty. As Gwen found her feet raising her to stand she tried to ignore how numb she had become.

She was an empty vessel at this point, having advanced to the point of painful mourning to blank acceptance.

In a way life was beautiful this way, unattached and muted the human experience was dulled to a digestible filter like state. In this stage she could observe and drift until the long ceremony and whispered ‘I do’ closed this chapter of her life, her heart, her soul.

Amber covered her mouth as she twirled like the prettiest princess to see her figure in the mirror. Both her eyes and Gwen’s met in the reflection for a moment, there was a second in which the prior could see the glassy admiration in the other’s eyes. Something about Gwen’s intense lingering eyes boring into her dressed image was disturbing and both jerked to break the contact immediately.

Swallowing and stepping aside as the other women gushed and felt the tulle of the skirt, Gwen took in the woman before her. Thin, Amber was so thin, so sickly satisfyingly thin. The dress was gorgeous in its own right, covered in lace and pearls, how long would such niceties last after the ceremony when David would yank it to expose her naked skin. Gwen surprised with her own intrusive thoughts blinked several times and wrung out her hands, course they would have sex but she shouldn’t think about it.

David deserved to sleep with a woman who cared about his pleasures, he would never want a wantonly begging nymphomaniac who mumbled the whole time about how heavy she was. A bitter laugh almost left her throat as she tore herself apart, it was so selfish to always make everything about her. The numbness pushed through once more soothing the spike of jealously and self-hatred.

 “Gwen?”

Amber was staring at her and before Gwen could register what was happening, her milk white hand was squeezing her shoulder. Distracted in her own mind she had missed the other bridesmaids exit to try on their now altered dresses as well. Gwen’s dark brows came together for one moment before relaxing once more.

“Hah, sorry to take you out of your head. They need you to put on the maid of honor dress, David wanted to be able to pick it out for you, since I don’t really know quite what you would like…You’re special in the wedding so I hope you don’t mind that you’ll wear a different dress-”

“Oh.”

The soft noise was the only thing she could manage from her lips, and Amber’s eyes were focused on her more attentive than she was comfortable with. She nodded, she registered her feet were moving, she considered the hands on her shoulders guiding her into the fitting room but she couldn’t feel.

God, she didn’t want to be nude in front of these random bridal employees or Amber.

A part of her noted this as she stripped after the curtain was pulled closed but the soft patter of Amber’s stand in heels clicked on the wooden floor outside. She knew the blonde was itching to help her, to caringly zip up her dress, adjust her bra straps and bond with her. Gwen wanted to bond with her, make things easier, forget who she really was and why her whole life was void of connection. With languid movements Gwen pulled the dress on, having to wiggle it over her hips with effort and doing her best to zip it up without assistance.

But the feminine knock on the wood beside her revealed Amber was listening and could tell she was jumping at the prospect of helping. Her hands pushed the curtain aside as her mind watched, she was a doll of sorts today and couldn’t be much more. Amber yanked the zipper up, her cold finger slipping under the fabric and skimming Gwen’s skin to smooth the backing.

“You look beautiful!”

The compliment was lost in the static that filled her head but the concertmaster of her motor cortex knew to spit out ‘thank you’. Pushed to the mirror and twirled on demand the other bridesmaids regarded her with curious eyes, all decked in the gentle lavender silk dresses. Mechanically and hesitantly Gwen raised her chin to peer back at herself.

By no means did she look beautiful, she was sufficient.

The cut was simple, a lighter lavender than the other’s dresses, and full of flowing lace similar to Amber’s own design. With her face and body, the garment seemed out of place, as if it was squirming to get off of her body as well and yet only one thought ran through her mind.

_David picked it out._

Like the red sea slamming back together once more, feeling and color suddenly flooded back into her system, the lights of the boutique almost blinding her.

* * *

 

Rehearsal for weddings had never made much sense to Gwen until that day, the past few hours were full of confused chatter and unsure stepping. Standing next to her on the stage was the bridesmaid she liked the most at least, Jennifer. Under her breath, Jennifer muttered to Gwen trying to hold back her laughter.

“If they lost the ring bear kid one more time do you think we’ll have to file a missing child report?”

It was a dry bitter humor and Gwen had never been more thankful in her life for another shithead like herself. Both of them managed to keep their laughter silent in puffed cheeks, and swayed on tired legs. Currently the bridal parties were mulling around running through the procedure with many failures, David’s family were all laughing and filling the air with Canadian hospitality as Amber’s side of the family did their best to be as proper as possible.

The informal banter and frustrated wedding planners guiding everyone around made it easy to forget exactly how much her heart was stinging. Something about the presence of children and nervous adults reminded her of the camp. Her mind traveled back to Nerris insisting through her lisp to the other’s they must be quiet before the orcs came, or how Space Kid held her hand whenever he was walked back to his cabin late at night.

In her heart there was a different stirring other that kept it safe from the realization this wedding was going to go through without a real hitch. Those children reminded her of her begrudged happiness and worth through protecting them, spending day after day spraying them down with sunscreen, and finally supporting the man who desperately wanted them to enjoy their summer’s.

David was a good man, a wonderful friend, she had to be the same.

Her pain couldn’t matter, push it down and push it away, and a long sigh was released from her lungs as the mantra pulsed in her conscious. Maybe, maybe in this moment she would be alright.

A loud smack resonated and she jumped, Jennifer let out a squeak and their eyes flickered over to the source of the noise. David lay face down on the ground, having tripped on the stairs up to the stage as he jogged up them. A giggle was quivering behind her lips, and Jennifer’s pent up laughter slipped out before her own.

The groomsmen were a mess, snorting and leaning on each other for support. David had rolled onto his back, laughing as well red-faced and covering his eyes out of embarrassment. Gwen was laughing, the bubbling foreign and a feeling she admittedly had missed. The humor simmered down and her eyes remained on his face until his hand slid down.

David stared straight back at her and the huff of laughter was caught in her throat.

In this era of eye contact Gwen felt the years slip from her exhausted mind and an innocent lazy smile covered his handsome face. Only in her wildest dreams could that look be anything more than a young boy peeking to his Grungy friend making sure they laughed as hard as they could at his fuckup.

Yet the dream lingered and throbbed.

Both of them broke the eye contact shifting and leaving the silent intimacy behind and Gwen patted Jennifer’s still shaking shoulder.

Soon the steps and turns were accepted by the bridal parties and the rehearsal ran more smoothly. A gulp of water was shoved down her throat by Carol, who pressed water on everyone before they rehearsed for the last time bridesmaids and groomsmen down the aisle. Although her red hair circled her head like medusa the older woman seemed pleased, and tossing her plastic cup in the trash Gwen fell into place.

Glancing to see her walking partner fall into line beside her, Gwen held in the bile that rose in her esophagus. Tom grinned down at her and she nodded at him, for a moment they stood at odds before he lifted his arm for her hand to loop through it. Mentally forcing her hand to stop shaking she slipped it into his extended elbow and stood tall.

“Hey…Sorry I didn’t text you.”

Tom glanced down to the woman beside him and she noticed how his eyes softened. His shoulder nudged her’s and they were forced to whisper as they were instructed to begin walking. One step at a time, each foot having to catch up to the other before another was taken, slow and boring in every way.

“Don’t worry about it.”

He whispered it out of the side of his mouth, making a show of feigning sneakiness and she felt more guilt rise.

“No, I mean it. I-”

Tom shifted his arm gently cueing her to look at him, she lifted her eyes to his face.

“I mean it too, don’t worry about it. I understand. Sometimes we are meant to be with different people.”

The way he was looking at her was strange, as if he was implying something more than just the innocent statement. She opened her mouth gazing back at him with furled brows, almost forgetting to take the next step with him.

“What are you talking about?”

Tom snickered and pursed his lips as if he understood something she didn’t, the movement annoyed her immensely and she nudged him not so gently prompting him to speak.

“Nothing!”

Gwen wanted to continue harassing him until he confessed to his cryptic statement about being with different people but they had already made it to the stage. Three steps up the stairs and they parted to opposite ends of the stage. Crossing her arms against her chest she waited until Jennifer joined her.

The two women watched as Carol frantically ushered each pair of bridal participants out through the aisle, David then following soon after.

In its entirety only missing the bride the bridal party stood waiting, until the silence was broken by the giggling four-year-old holding the ring pillow sprinting down the aisle toward the stage.

“Not yet! Not yet!”

A general sigh overtook the bridal party on stage.

* * *

 

Flickering, warm, and filling candlelight surrounded the reception hall tables with freshly printed nametags promised that the deed was in fact done. Gwen was the last one to leave, having struggled to get her heels back on her stocking covered feet. There was sure to be a blister after standing and sweating in them for so long.

She had stood behind after the rehearsal, doing her best to stay out of the way of others and avoiding bug bites. Both families had filed out now loud and complaintive when thinking about the bossy nature of the wedding planners. Jennifer had let her hold her shoulder as she pushed her heel into the shoe’s constricting frame. Neither her nor Tom caught eyes again and Gwen knew he was avoiding letting the secret he knew slip from his lips.

Alone, now, holding onto her purse and walking toward the exit she listened to the slight echo of her shoes hitting the marble floor.

The click made her anxious, but the consistency of the sound urged her to continue. She could bury herself in sleep once she got to the hotel room, and her steps slowed when she registered the sound of someone else’s footsteps behind her.

Gwen would typically ignore it until she heard her name.

“Gwen-”

Mid step she stopped and turned to see David, he stood a good ten feet from her the image of a clumsy prince in the ballroom of dreams. Happiness, he oozed happiness, and his button up was now pushed up to his elbows.

“Hey.”

Instead of the silence that had grown between them his words once more tore away at it, the awkwardness seeming to have become second nature. He continued speaking as if he couldn’t recognize the way her feet shifted in stance to flee.

“That was so long, but wow wasn’t it fun? I know you don’t like those sorts of things though, probably have papers to write. I uhm, I had a fun time last night! Reminds me of camp and all those good movies…thanks for everything.”

She wanted to laugh, why would he be thanking her. He had no idea the hell she was imagining in her damned skull or the fact he was a million times better than her. David scratched his neck looking away for a moment.

“Yeah it was-”

“And I was needing to ask you-”

They were speaking over one another and both stopped their sentences. He insisted she finish her sentence first and she did the same. Rolling her eyes, she scoffed and threatened him to finish. David blushed and muttered now almost mixing the whole sentence up.

“Sorry, sorry! I just need help and I saw you leaving last…and you’re…my closest friend. So, it seemed right to ask you-”

Gwen raised a brow in question.

“If you…you could stay just a few minutes longer and practice the dance with me, I mean I have practiced it! I’m just not very good at it, and I don’t want to bother Amber cause I don’t want her to worry and stress!”

Her heart leaped, it clenched, it bled.

“Where is Amber now?”

David stepped closer and she felt the duty to take one step back.

“With my mother on her way home, I told her I needed to ask you about some stuff, which I have…and now I wait patiently for your answer, or impatiently.”

The way he smiled and tilted his head reminded her of the reasons she should say no. The inevitable truth that when he stood there like the sun enhancing the very quality of life was unfit for her. Her heart yearned though, it begged to pretend to be the princess and to drag the dream out until it was smashed to its gore and intestine dripping end.

“Ok, well let’s get it over with.”

Sass coated her tone but David could only beam brighter.

“Great!”

Clearing his throat, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his music app. When the music poured out from the speaker of his phone, the world did not end or shift, there was nothing profound and the two did not fall into each other’s embrace. No, when the romantic notes of Rachmaninoff Symphony no.2 op.27, 3rd Movement filled the hall, the two stood apart like middle schoolers during a slow dance.

This would be his wedding song, both him and his angel would dance like some music box mannequins to this lavish piece of music. He deserved this, she was happy for him she was. It occurred to Gwen that she would never be able to listen to this piece without remembering this. None of that mattered though, this was for David.

Gulping and extending his hand for her to take, David shifted toward the middle of the hall’s floor.

Gwen took it, not analyzing the way their palms shifted against one another. His large hand came to engulf her’s and his fingers hesitantly wrapped themselves around her smaller one, as if he was suddenly realizing something. Slow brushes of his finger pads awakened her every nerve until they came to grasp her hand fully and pull her towards him.

_Friends, this is what friends do. They support one another._

Yet that very thought was silenced by the placement of his hand on the middle of her back, her own coming to rest on his shoulder.

Gwen could not help the melting feeling that overtook all her guilt and shame, and glanced past his shoulder as they began to dance. The steps they both took were unsure and she tried to guide him in the simple waltz too much and their feet collided. Every misstep was bringing their chests closer together, and she was painfully aware of the heat his body gave off.

David was relaxed and she could tell he was urging her to as well, by the way he began to catch onto the movements. He was beginning to understand the role of lead within the waltz, and things fell into place. And they were no longer two ex-coworkers shuffling on overworked feet only together for a wedding, they were experiencing the waltz together.

By accident she moved her gaze from over his shoulder to his face and found his eyes boring back at her. It felt much too intimate, the look felt like a symphony, the finale, the final ringing whole note that left the audience in tears. Their hands were molded together, his palm brazenly now flush against her back the dance almost an excuse of sorts.

It was a minute before Gwen realized the music had stopped leaving them in guilty silence.

David paused his hand slipping out of her’s and from her body.

Their eyes were locked and their chests heaving slightly from exhaustion. How lovely he looked, cheeks flushed and freckles alight. Her skin was on fire, her emotions swirling in something almost ecstatic, and eyes glazed over in awe.

“I love her, a lot.”

It didn’t seem like they were talking about Amber any longer.

“I know.”


	7. the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The finale and the wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support and comments! Please let me know what you think of the conclusion and check out my other gwenvid fics!

The soft sound of her nail scratching the parchment was more pronounced than the buzzing chatter of the women surrounding her. Gwen felt like a ghost who watched from the sidelines as nymphs in silken gowns prepared their goddess for the final sacrifice. She was a satyr of sorts swallowed in a low burning lust for the unbridled joy the nymphs exuded as they brought gifts and flowers to decorate their goddess on her golden pedestal.

Her fingertip brushed over the embossed A that made up Amber’s name on the wedding invitation placed ceremoniously among the other memorabilia.

De ja vu, a sinking feeling and all-consuming dread filled her system once more, and her hands shook gently as she set the invitation with the other items. Standing in front of the dressing room mirror glancing to the other bridesmaids behind her, a list formed in her brain. Amber glimmered, no shone, on the pedestal physically and permanently superior to Gwen in her wedding dress.

The wedding photographer praised Amber for her beauty, her angles, her inherent glow.

“Another, another darling, I cannot believe how amazing these photos are coming out.”

Amber was the ever-satisfying blushing bride.

“Oh, thank you, thank you. I simply hope David likes it too…”

In reality she was something to behold, resembling something ancient and awe inducing. She had been blown to the shore reborn and standing within the scallop shell fully grown. Pure and clean of sin, Amber stood and Gwen had never felt more like Daphne unable to escape her teeming fate.

Behind dazed eyes Gwen wished she was drunk, she watched as Amber’s mother place a crown of generational importance and love onto her honorable head. Her mind flickers to her own mother, overbearing and untouchable all at once. Amber and her mother’s snow colored hands brushed one another and their smiles were identical. Home sick, or sick of not having much of a home, Gwen couldn’t determine which one she felt.

_Something old._

The bridesmaids shoving gifts and kisses on her flawless skin, adjusting the diamonds that adorned her neck. Amber’s eyes flicked to Gwen, who felt the bitter sweet sting fill her chest one more time, the two women nodded at one another. A silent understanding seemed to pass between them but of what Gwen was unsure.

_Something new._

Blinding white lace was pulled over Amber’s plush thigh, given to her from Jennifer to be returned after the ceremony was completed. A general laughter filled the room, and her lips obeyed to the social pressure forming an empty mouthful of air to leave her throat. Under her hands Gwen fisted the tulle that made up her own skirt wanting to peel the garment from her skin, nothing felt connected. All moments making up her conscious registered as staccato clicks in existence and she wished they would stop so she could keep up better.

Turning to face the mirror once more and touch the platter of memories filled of photos and pearls, Gwen swallowed glad she had taken one more pill than necessary for the day. The pearls sitting in their tin gave off a welcoming matte shine, she could eat them if she wanted, shatter her teeth completely. She could also dip the pearls into those nasty poisons she considered feelings and trick herself into drinking the poisoned wine and pearl together.

A single thought ran through her mind as she forced herself to block out the picturesque image of bridal bliss.

 _He deserves this, he deserves her, they deserve one another_.

Gwen registers her reflection physically before she does mentally, judging the made-up woman in front of her isolated from the world swirling around her. She takes into account the rouge red of the woman’s lips and faux curls falling to her shoulders until the realization of self-returns.

_Something blue._

* * *

Wild flowers and the fresh scent of pine flooded the air, and although the sensory output was so definite she could not remove herself from the dreamlike state she inhibited. Heavy, her whole body felt like dead weight and every limb was being yanked through a raging sea. The wedding party stood around like precious dolls within the lovely hall awaiting their dramatic entrance to the clearing and stage.

Each of them was an actor or actress, with rehearsed movements written in italics and premediated sighs of amazement programmed within them. Jennifer was excited, Gwen soaked in the energy allowing herself to become an emphatic parasite. This was it, she pressed on with the unwavering smile and rosy cheeks, this was the climax and the salt would be packed into her wound until it ceased to exist.

Whispers, sighs, and hums surrounded her and she mimicked them like a bird.

A quartet played in the background, each bow spreading chordal notes out in the clearing as they tuned up for the true display. In her mind she could see the entire wedding flashing before her submitting eyes, full of kisses and acidic gulps of champagne. She promised herself during the reception she would not think of the bubbles in her throat only swallow flute after flute until every man was the man of her dreams.

Use and be used, accept and be accepted, pull apart and be pulled apart.

David was happy, that was all that mattered, and when she was in another universe and full of alcohol she would be too. Under a groomsman, full of self-loathing, and fake moans this satyr would return to her worldly and undisturbed existence as she once had. The promise soothed her, or at least smothered the ever-rising anxious scream that bubbled in her spine. The very same scream that desperately itched its way up her vertebrae and fought violently with the chemical relaxation her pills delivered.

Outside, the guests poured in dressed in a variety of pastels, greeting and mingling. In the background the quartet begins to play but Gwen catches the somber notes of the dies irae from the cello who casts a mischievous glance to the violist. With a whack the violist smacks the cellist with her bow laughing, Gwen sighs with this a smile on her own face. Their behavior reminds her of the children always taking everything in life unabashed and genuinely.

The strings begin to produce their gig music filling the air with dotted eight notes and grace notes which eventually becomes lost in the sea of sound.

Tom’s hand brushes her shoulder and Gwen whips around, his kind eyes washing over her face as if trying to read her. She knows he will be unable to see past her mask though, she has spent her entire life perfecting it. Carol is smiling so hard Gwen wonders if her face will get stuck like that, satisfied and relieved her son has married into money and light skin. Her shout is loud and the wedding party surrounds her lining up like soldiers readying for a war. A war in which she is finally prepared to lose. Holding her decaying heart in a rotting ribcage and wrapping her caramel colored fingers around the bouquet, Gwen falls into the front of the line. Tom joins her to her left, solid in a world of shifting planes, he holds on respectfully tight as if sensing her discomfort.

In unison after a nod from Carol and a bumpy starting note from the quartet Gwen and Tom step out into the light. The music surrounds her, traditional and joyous, yet it comes off like a death march to her heart. Is Tom dragging her to the stage, or is she floating, whichever way it appears she feels the desire to pass out. All the eyes wash over her for a moment, they note how she wears a dress different from the others, she wonders silently if in her daze someone has stitched a scarlet A to her breast bone.

The steps to the stage require so much more strength than her body can produce.

So, when she shuffles to her place to the left of the priest she pants, a sinner in heat and under the watchful eyes of the punisher. It is not until David walks down the aisle does the truth finally sink into her bones. His very presence in the doorway brings back a million memories of campfire smoke and the taste of sunscreen.

He outshines the sun as he steps out into the clearing and begins his own walk down the aisle. Only then does the pain begin to rise, doubling with every slow step he makes toward the stage, his eyes roaming over the crowd gathered. He looks handsome, the kind of handsome that is written of in fairytales and romantic novels. Long legs carry him, dressed in a tux that fits snuggly and shows off his blaring green socks, the color so offending she wants to laugh.

As David practically hops up the steps he glances to Gwen, her eyes dart away though she cannot allow herself to be fully a witness to this. His eyes linger on her and she shakes a wisp of hair out of her face forcing herself to look straight ahead. She tries not to think about him, she tries to ignore the way he hugs her, she tries to empty out the memory of his lips pressed to her’s. Gwen can no longer be selfish, she assures herself this, and for a moment it is easy to smile until Amber finally emerges.

The father of the bride guides her through the gasping observers and she cannot bring herself to look toward David knowing he as the others would have the loving awe-struck expression plastered on his face. Pain, pain builds in her chest with unnerving intensity, and it does not cease. She draws closer for her and David’s beginning and Gwen’s inevitable end. Unshed tears fill Gwen’s hazy eyes as she grips the damned bouquet with now quivering hands.

Authoritative words directed by the priest fill the clearing as all the patrons return to their seats eager to see the marriage take place. She cannot hear the introduction, doesn’t register the murmurs and whispers, her eyes are flooding to the point everything is a blur of colors.

Colors, so many colors, if only she could let herself bleed out into those colors.

“If anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace" 

She swears she can just fucking feel David’s eye flicker to her, and she winces through the tears obscuring her vision. Silence, she is silence entirely, a static filling her embodying itself as a pain that fills her like wild fire. Gwen is paralyzed, a statue dressed in lavender, her heart aches.

Vows follow soon after, they are full of love and giggles. True love, soft love, childish everlasting love it seems to drip from both of their shaking hands which are nothing in comparison to Gwen’s anxiety racking form. The pain crescendos as they speak as she wrenches David and his whole memory from her heart, she wants to scream oh God does she want to scream so loud. Her body quivers with the need to scream so loud that her brain shakes, everything is so intense, she can feel the tears streaking down her foundation covered cheeks.

Patting the tears from her cheeks in a futile attempt to control herself, Gwen can feel the pain engulf her causing a shuttering ache spread throughout her whole body. She has never experienced this amount of pain and her fingers curl deeper and deeper into her palm. Her teeth sink into the inside of her mouth until she can taste blood, the ceremony is beautiful.

David slips the ring on Amber’s awaiting finger and she does the same.

Gwen’s feet are glued to the stage no matter how dearly she wants to dart off into the night and return to the forgiving ignorance of knowing nothing about his life. Their movements together work together to yank all of her hazardous knots to keep herself together loose. Her lungs ache as she holds her breath and squeezing her eyes shut she swallows down a wail.

“Do you, David Greenwood take Amber Smith to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

Her heart stops as she opens her eyes and a thousand tears spill out.

“I do.”

The dam finally breaks inside her, the full effects of heartbreak unleashing on her already jerking form. A hand flies to cover her own mouth as she chokes into her sweaty palm, eyes red, and stomach curdling. Amber beams and Gwen repeats the same act through her watery eyes, the symphony has ended she can release.

“Do you Amber-”

“I do, I do!”

The priest and the crowd laugh, Gwen can hear the laugh also exit her mouth as well. In the back of her head she registers the priest pronouncing them husband and wife, but their kiss is seared in her retinas forever. She wants to throw up and pass out until the morning light gives her the blessing of excusing herself to return to isolation. They are perfect images of every couple in the movies, lips meeting at the roaring climax and hands respectfully cupping one another’s cheeks. Everyone is clapping, the nightmare coming to a close and she claps for the conclusion as well.

Justice has triumphed, evil has lost.

She claps hard, hard enough that her palms are raw, red, and fucking stinging.

_He deserves this._

* * *

Voice cracking sobs are coughed from her cracked lips as she curls over in the couch releasing every ugly emotion. Finally, she can cut open her stomach and pull all of those sickened black painful feelings out forever, she can weep so hard she forgets why she is even sad.

On the balcony of the second floor of the reception hall, Gwen hides away sobbing until she cannot breathe. Weeping until she can barely gasp for air and shaking so hard her teeth clatter in a sharp snap every few seconds, Gwen unloads. The smell of perfume on her own skin making her gag, and she holds her chest in attempt to stop the pain.

She ran, ran after the couple walked taking their time to the lavish reception hall made of dreams. Now, alone and free, she could be as ugly and vulnerable as she wanted. The cathartic light-headed cries caused her to choke, and between little hiccups she forced herself to breathe normally once more. She should be happy, she should be there continuing the act and thanking him, making him feel as happy as he had once her.

Gwen couldn’t though, that was her limit she had finally reached it.

The thought made her sob harder when she thought back on her own failure. Suddenly the door to the balcony creaked open and she jumped, immediately trying to rub the tears from her irritated eyes but to no avail. Mascara stained undereye bags and sore throat, Gwen had been found by the one person who she prayed would not bother with her.

David.

Green eyes skimmed over her disheveled form and she stared back at him, guilt overcame her as she pushed her muscles to form a weak grin. David’s hand moved slowly to rest on her shoulder, the contact of his skin on her’s bringing her that inexplicable peace she craved so dearly. Gwen knew she should shift her shoulder out of his grasp but she had no strength left.

Silently he joined her on the couch and they say nothing to one another as she tries to control her vibrating skeleton by wringing out her hands roughly. Together they stare out at the setting sun and David clears his throat. His voice is muted when he finally speaks and there is a mature seriousness about it that she has never heard from him in her life.

“Gwen.”

She can only manage a nod, she has no idea what he could possibly say. What is left to say between them at this point, he isn’t an idiot, he knows why she is crying this way.

“Gwen, I…I have to confess something to you.”

The little self-control she had before is gone, she is aching and tired and would rather he continue breaking her heart sooner than later.

“What.”

Her voice is a whisper, only he can hear it in the tense space between them. David smells the same as when she first hugged him, he gives off the same intoxicating warmth, the way his adam apple bobs has not changed.

“I didn’t actually marry Amber…”

Without thought her hand raises and comes down on his hand hard, she smacks his hand away so hard she spits. David instinctively yanks his hand back anticipating the explosion.

“Stop fucking with me, I’m not in the mood.”

Raising both his hands in defense he swallows, pupils darting over her face.

“I didn’t, I didn’t marry her. I told her that I’m still in love with someone else and that I couldn’t do that to her. We went through with the whole thing for her family and we would explain the truth to them later…”

Gwen stares at him hard, she searches for the lie and blinks when she finds his eyes unwavering from her own. David is too close, he is too genuine, and she furrows her brows hope sitting suspended in her chest.

“What-”

“Gwen, I’m in love with you.”

“What?”

“I love you, honest to God. I’m in love with you, Gwen Santos. When you came back I couldn’t ignore or pretend I stopped. Seeing you again and being with you, I couldn’t stop, Gwen I-”

She stares at him like he has three heads and David lets out a scared bark of a laugh. Sputtering a series of disbelief and ‘no’s she stands taking a step away from the redhead on the couch. David jumps up, catching her hands within his own.

“I’m sorry, I should have said something I know…”

Gwen swallows as his fingers wrap slowly around her sore hands. David is nervous, she can tell by the way he searches desperately for a coherent sentence in a sea of ‘uhm’s. His gaze bores into her’s and Gwen realizes he is in fact being truthful. Her heart blooms uncertain until his hands wrap fully and tightly around her own.

“Y-you promise?”

David’s eyes water as well and he coughs out a laugh.

“I promise on every camper I have ever taken care of, I promise on Quartermaster, I promise on Camp Campbell.”

Their lips meet in a clamor, in which her hands grip onto the shoulders of his jacket and he wraps both of his arms around her waist. Every anxiety melts away as he kisses her with promises and apologizes, and she smiles against his lips. She feels whole as David engulfs her fully and fresh tears fall down her cheeks.

Between soft kisses she whispers back.

“I love you, too.”

His laugh rattles deep in his chest and causes a warm shiver to wash over her form. She loves him and he loves her. Kisses fill her every thought and she holds him closer and closer as they laugh into each other’s mouths.

_She deserves this._


End file.
